The Top 14 Features of the Pentium III Chip

14 Automatically removes copyright notices from humour lists

13 Minesweeper now runs really, really, *really* fast

12 Guaranteed 100% Mathomaticly Ackurat

11 Far superior to its brothers, Pentium III Mike and Pentium III Ernie

10 Goes great with Pentium III salsa!

9 Converts your 3-month-old, $2000 computer into a handy boat anchor

8 In benchmark tests against other chips, it consistently delivered vastly higher prices

7 First processor to be made entirely out of Havarti cheese and raisins

6 Now Featuring, "Good ol' Vulcan Logic"

5 Like all Pentiums, it promised its own fireworks at midnight, January 31, 1999

4 In anticipation of Y10K, all years are stored as Roman numerals

3 Secretly monitors the Internet for new porn sites, which are then automatically added to the President's bookmark file

2 Runs at a blazing 600 EthelMertz per second!

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Feature of the Pentium III Chip...

1 Allows net geeks to go twice as long without human contact